Realization
by jewel21
Summary: Max makes a realization. Alec makes a decision.


Title: Realization  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own DA. The characters belong to Cameron/Eglee Productions and Fox, although I really do want Alec.  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Feedback: It's much appreciated and just might make me write more, lol.  
  
Author's Note: This is my first attempt writing for Dark Angel. This idea sort of came to me suddenly last night and I simply had to write it. After all, who am I to deny my muse? I want to indicate that this is in fact a standalone piece. I have no intention of continuing it. A special thanks goes out to Scarlet, for betaing this story for me and enabling it to shine :) And, I'd also like to dedicate this to my fellow Nuns, you guys rock :D Now, onto the story.  
  
  
  
Realization  
  
  
  
  
  
I've been sitting here for awhile now. I can't quite seem to place the exact moment I caught sight of him. But I'm staring at him openly, and for the life of me, I can't seem to tear my eyes away. He's gorgeous and I drink him in.  
  
  
  
Alec.  
  
  
  
How long he's been sitting here without me noticing? Everything else fades to a lull as he overpowers all of my senses. It's as though there is nothing but him in this time and place.  
  
  
  
I'm not really sure when it happened or why tonight it hit me, but I suddenly realize what a great person- friend he's been to me. God, he's breathtaking. As he runs his fingers through his hair, I can't help wondering what it would feel like to do it myself. Where the hell did this come from?  
  
  
  
Trying not to be too obvious, I continue to watch him. I can't seem to recall the last time I've seen him around. I mean sure, I've seen him in passing, he's said hi to me a few times but when have I really seen him? I can't remember the last time he's really been around, joking with me, driving me insane. I miss that...I miss him. Furiously wracking my brain, I try to remember if there was anything specific I did or said to make him mad at me or step back. Suddenly, all the hurtful things I've said to him since he's entered my life rush over me, and I inhale sharply. Terrible guilt shoots through me and I'd almost laugh, it is ALEC, after all, but I really do feel like shit. All the times he's been there for me, helping me, even without my asking. He's always been in the background, silently providing me with the strength I've needed, never asking me for anything in return. God, why was I such a bitch to him? All the times I've put him down, insulted him endlessly, and I can see his face -- his reactions in my mind as though they've just happened. Behind his smirking face and shrugging shoulders, I see the hurt in his eyes, and, for the life of me, I can't understand how I could have possibly have missed it all those times. Fuck, I'm such an idiot!  
  
  
  
You were scared.  
  
  
  
The whisper catches me off guard and I don't know where the idea came from, but it's true. I was terrified of the feelings Alec provoked in me. I didn't understand what they meant and reacted the only way I knew how, I pushed him away, never once thinking about how my words might have affected him. I mean god, he's always seemed to be able to handle them, no matter how hurtful they were...hasn't he? His face appears before me once more, and the hurt registered in his eyes reminds me of just how wrong I've been.  
  
  
  
God, I want to do it again. I wish I could go back and start over. Everything could be so different right now and maybe I wouldn't be so unhappy with my life as things are right now. I can't remember the last time I smiled.  
  
  
  
Before I can even comprehend what I'm doing, my hands brace themselves on the table top, and I'm just about to heave myself out of my seat. I have no clue what the hell I'm about to do and I'd laugh if my heart wasn't caught in my throat. Nervously excited, I look where I'm going and shock runs through my body as my heart shatters into a million pieces and I collapse back into my seat, numb.  
  
  
  
~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~  
  
  
  
She looks so beautiful.  
  
  
  
I've been watching her for awhile now, and I can't help wondering what she's thinking about. I've ever seen her so...pensive, sad even. But of course, knowing Max, she's probably wondering how she's going to kick my ass. I could almost smile, but not quite. Sipping of my scotch, I savor the warming sensation it creates as the liquid burns down my thoat. But, seconds later, my eyes subconsciously seeking her out again and I try not to be too obvious. I almost want to get up and ask her what's wrong, or if I can help. She'd bite my head off, though. And I don't want to do that to myself anymore. No matter how much I try to downplay her words and act like they don't faze me, they hurt.  
  
  
  
"Alec."  
  
  
  
The words startle me for a minute, ripping me from my thoughts, and I jump, spilling some of my drink in the process. I bring my hand up and lick the alcohol off and raise my eyes.  
  
  
  
"Sorry. Didn't mean to scare you. Are you ready to go?"  
  
  
  
"Done powdering your nose?" I ask her.  
  
  
  
"Yup." she replies, her smiling face staring back at mine.  
  
  
  
I smile as I gaze into her twinking eyes and I quickly stand, placing some money on the bar. I take Melody's hand in mine and we quickly make our way out of Crash. For a brief instant, I almost turn around and sneak one last look at Max but stop myself. Old habits die hard, but I resist. Afterall, I've finally decided to let her go, to move on and start living my life.  
  
  
  
~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~  
  
  
  
"Max? Max!"  
  
  
  
The voice finally penetrates my muddled brain, and my eyes snap quickly from Alec's retreating back. How could I have missed the empty glass that was next to his and realized he was with someone?  
  
  
  
"Yeah?" I hear my own voice and feel I'm going to be sick.  
  
  
  
"Are you okay?" the voice asks, concerned.  
  
  
  
I finally set my gaze on the person sitting before me and manage a brief smile, trying to convey that I'm fine, though I know I'm failing miserably.  
  
  
  
"Yeah, Logan. I'm fine. "  
  
  
  
I see him turning around in his seat, staring at the now empty place where Alec had stood just moments before.  
  
  
  
"I'm fine." I whisper again, trying unsuccessfully to convince myself even as I desperately try to blink back my tears.  
  
  
  
God, I'm too late.  
  
  
  
  
  
End 


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